apple in the palm

Topic: sweet son of a bitch

I was in New York one time and met Fiona Apple in a club. She was in a long gray dress, as near as I could tell in the pale blue light. People call me a flirt and looking back I guess I am because I was so full of myself it took a good 5 minutes before I knew who I was talking to. At one point she offered to read my palm. I refused, telling her I'd rather be caught off guard by the future.

My only other brush with fame or celebrity or infamy was when I met Jenna Jameson. The bartender of the lobby bar at the Westin William Penn was a friend of mine. We worked as bike messengers together. Out of the blue he called me to say that Jenna is staying at the hotel and that I have to get down here because she's hotter than you can imagine. My band, hemicuda, had a show that weekend.

I went downtown almost just for kicks, and hit the Westin bar for free booze. Timmy hooks it up and says"I told you so." She's across the bar with a few guys and a girl that she's pretending to make out with, or is really making out with, it was hard to tell. I said to Timmy,"Tell her I'd buy her a drink but I'm broke. However if she'd buy me a few I'd make her an origami swan." The name of our show was "Origami Bird Warfare". Friends were given origami birds which functioned as tickets, everyone else paid $10. So she bought my drinks, I flipped her a bird and we hung out for an hour or so. She knows more than you do about the BEAT generation writers.

So I got an invitation to her party on the 16th floor. I went up the elevator having no idea what I was getting into, knocked on the door and was greeted by a guy who called himself Sikki Nixx. I guess he was into Nikki Sixx of Motley Crue. It was a dreary, pathetic scene of about 9 skztzy wierdos and about 4 of the hottest naked girls I'd ever seen. The thing was the hot girls were all on the phone or doing their nails or their taxes or their hair or some such nonsense so that it was completely unsexy. It was a bit like eating ice cream in the dead of winter. After taking a while to take it all in and deciding to take off, I searched out the alcohol. I drank one bottle of Heineken then put 10 more and a bottle of JD into a pillow case and took off, clanking all the way. I'm not a thief by nature but believe me they had plenty to spare, I felt worse about stealing the pillow case. Besides, I didn't sneak it out or anything. I was talking to Sikki the whole time I filled up the pillowcase. You had to see the midnight looks I got in the ghetto on the way home.

While at the bar Ms. Jameson gave me 2 tickets to her show at the "Majesty Lounge". Fabulous time. We saw two fights, kept out of both of them and got more free lap dances than the King of Milwaukee. She never came to my show. After the after party I got really spun up on the hooch I'd stolen from her room.

All in all I'd say I had a better time sledding when I was a ten year old.

Funny thing, a few months later the Dalai Lama came to Pittsburgh to speak at CMU. He stayed at the same hotel. I didn't get invited to his room, but I'll bet his party was a lot better.