Tuesday, February 27, 2007

apple in the palm

Topic: sweet son of a bitch

I was in New York one time and met Fiona Apple in a club. She was in a long gray dress, as near as I could tell in the pale blue light. People call me a flirt and looking back I guess I am because I was so full of myself it took a good 5 minutes before I knew who I was talking to. At one point she offered to read my palm. I refused, telling her I'd rather be caught off guard by the future.

My only other brush with fame or celebrity or infamy was when I met Jenna Jameson. The bartender of the lobby bar at the Westin William Penn was a friend of mine. We worked as bike messengers together. Out of the blue he called me to say that Jenna is staying at the hotel and that I have to get down here because she's hotter than you can imagine. My band, hemicuda, had a show that weekend.

I went downtown almost just for kicks, and hit the Westin bar for free booze. Timmy hooks it up and says"I told you so." She's across the bar with a few guys and a girl that she's pretending to make out with, or is really making out with, it was hard to tell. I said to Timmy,"Tell her I'd buy her a drink but I'm broke. However if she'd buy me a few I'd make her an origami swan." The name of our show was "Origami Bird Warfare". Friends were given origami birds which functioned as tickets, everyone else paid $10. So she bought my drinks, I flipped her a bird and we hung out for an hour or so. She knows more than you do about the BEAT generation writers.

So I got an invitation to her party on the 16th floor. I went up the elevator having no idea what I was getting into, knocked on the door and was greeted by a guy who called himself Sikki Nixx. I guess he was into Nikki Sixx of Motley Crue. It was a dreary, pathetic scene of about 9 skztzy wierdos and about 4 of the hottest naked girls I'd ever seen. The thing was the hot girls were all on the phone or doing their nails or their taxes or their hair or some such nonsense so that it was completely unsexy. It was a bit like eating ice cream in the dead of winter. After taking a while to take it all in and deciding to take off, I searched out the alcohol. I drank one bottle of Heineken then put 10 more and a bottle of JD into a pillow case and took off, clanking all the way. I'm not a thief by nature but believe me they had plenty to spare, I felt worse about stealing the pillow case. Besides, I didn't sneak it out or anything. I was talking to Sikki the whole time I filled up the pillowcase. You had to see the midnight looks I got in the ghetto on the way home.

While at the bar Ms. Jameson gave me 2 tickets to her show at the "Majesty Lounge". Fabulous time. We saw two fights, kept out of both of them and got more free lap dances than the King of Milwaukee. She never came to my show. After the after party I got really spun up on the hooch I'd stolen from her room.

All in all I'd say I had a better time sledding when I was a ten year old.

Funny thing, a few months later the Dalai Lama came to Pittsburgh to speak at CMU. He stayed at the same hotel. I didn't get invited to his room, but I'll bet his party was a lot better.

Monday, February 19, 2007

Britney Spears' New Haircut (or, What's the big deal? Sinéad O'Connor's been doing it for years.)

topic: Western Man is externalizing himself in the form of gadgets. (William S. Burroughs)

Traditional tools are extensions of man's physical being. They are invented to do man's work faster or to do work that man cannot do otherwise. Prior to the development of electronics, the work performed by tools was mainly physical. Examples: a saw cuts, a lever lifts and a ship travels. Written words and symbolic images are a tool which perform mental work, transmitting an idea, they are extensions of man's mental being. Before the electronic transmission of words the work performed by them was disjointed from the writer. Like sending a message in a bottle, the writer was insulated from the reader by time.

Through electronic media the transmission of ideas has become instantaneous. We are no longer insulated by a time barrier. We are plugged in to devices, which, at their essence, are an extension of our nervous system. While plugged in we are exposed to a bombardment of information.
The above was inspired by the writing of Marshall MacLuhan

In the same way physical tools have increased our ability to do work faster, or previously impossible, the electronic tools have allowed us to transmit data farther, faster and with greater detail than before.

It seems that in essence, humans are consumers. Americans are the ultimate consumers. The new ultimate product is celebrity, it manufactures, promotes and sells itself. There is also an endless supply. From a wealthy hotel heiress to an average guy on a reality show, people are lined up like lemmings ready to dive off the cliff into a sea of paparazzi. Behind the rows of cameras and microphones, we wait ready to take in the news, reviews, gossip, slander, spectacle, meltdown, rehab and redemption.

Celebrities are such a fixation that they've eclipsed sex as our major collective fixation. This is the logical product of a diseased culture combined with a medium that has evolved fasted than we've been able to cope with. We will never touch the celebrities, we are voyeurs, peering into their manufactured world.

Through electronic media we receive ever more information from visual stimulation. In contrast tactile stimulation makes up less of our perception of reality. Electronic transmission satisfies our need for instant gratification and acts as a conduit through which the celebrity delivers his/her product to the consumer. This relationship between celebrity product and consumer is symbolic. The product doesn't actually exist. The celebrity for the most part doesn't know it's being sold, likewise the consumer isn't aware he/she's making a purchase. The government doesn't even tax it. The conundrum is, the product is still there. Somewhere in the media? Somewhere in our minds?

Pop will eat itself. It seems pop will also feed itself. Maybe the more valid question is, which way does the influence of this relationship go? Celebrity to consumer? or vice versa?
Maybe it's like the alternating current that powers our media devices, always imperceptibly changing direction and invisibly generating the great big buzzzzzzzzz.

In her prime Anna Nicole was the best. Monica Leigh is now my new favorite Playboy Playmate. Smokin' like she just blew a fuse.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Chilling Out in the Big Warm Up

Topic: Climate Change

For the 4th time in a week I've encountered someone who believes the idea of global warming is a hoax. That doesn't include the smug son of a bitch I saw on tv last night. I've given up on discussing the issue with these people. You could show them all of the satellite photos of the Artic, all the climatology reports and average temperature records for the last hundred years and they still won't listen. If a homeless polar bear carjacks them in a mall parking lot, they might come around.

"Learn to swim, see you down at Arizona Bay." (bill hicks) I will miss Fenway Park, but think of how cool the scuba diving is going to be there. Besides, it's not like it's the end of the world. Frank Zappa said that would be caused by,"paperwork and nostalgia".

So there's this penguin who's doing a tour of the US because his iceberg melted. With nowhere to live and nothing better to do, he figured he'd take a trip. So he's driving through Nevada in his little penguin car. Now the heat is unbearable and it's really getting to him when his car breaks down. He gets it towed to the shop where the mechnic say's, "It's going be awhile and you look really hot, so why don't you go across the street to the supermarket and I'll come get you when I'm done. They have air conditioning so you'll feel better there." He goes to the market and wanders around until he finds the freezer section. Once there he tears into the ice cream shoveling it into his mouth with his little flipper-wings. The mechanic diagnosed the problem quicker than he thought and tracked the penguin down. Finding the penguin the mechanic taps him on the shoulder. Turning around, the penguin says,"That was quick! So what's the problem?" The mechanic says,"You blew a seal." Quickly looking down at the melted vanilla ice cream dripping down his chin, the penguin blurts out,"NO! NO I DIDN'T! IT'S ICE CREAM! "

Monday, February 12, 2007

"the pink panther took her out, you think?" said nila

If Iran is providing some Iraqis with arms, then that means we're fighting a de facto war against Iran, right? Iran is waging a sort of war by proxy against the U.S. GREAT! (I didnt intend to write about politics, i just felt like using "de facto". It makes me feel smart.) When Americans were taken hostage in Iran in 1979, I remember this kid who would talk about it all the time. It was creepy, he would become giddy and his voice would crack when he'd say,"We should NUKE 'EM!". He was a real idiot. I'm not just being mean, it's true, he was just a few IQ points north of being mentally handicapped. He was right at the point where rude people would say to his face,"You're a fucking retard." as opposed to saying behind his back," "Boy, he's pretty smart for a fucking retard." I'm not sure which one we are regarding this war right now, but does it really matter?

I've been struggling to get my unfinished art projects finished. I've left them undone for too long and the ideas have gotten old. Working on them is like pouring curdled milk onto a bowl of Frosted Flakes. I was going to give up, but then decided give it one last try. I hired a Muse. Seems strange, right? I'm sure you didn't know such a service was available, I didn't. So I'm all set and ready to go when, BAM! My Muse lands herself in the hospital because of a sleep related injury. Now I have stale unfinished art and a Muse on the 15 day disabled list. This is a real dilemma I'm facing, and I don't think I can resolve it on my own so I'm going to have to consult my Guru.

I wouldn't dare go to Master Yoda with a problem like this one. He'd kick my ass.

Now that I think about it, the Guru owes me a few pints at the "Winchester Pub", so fuck him . I think I'll skip the Guru, put my head down, turn the SABBATH up and bang this shit out.

I think maybe Anna Nicole Smith died because she ate some Owens Corning Fibreglass insulation, mistaking it for pink cotton candy.

Saturday, February 3, 2007

Fine Sweet Hungarian Devil

Topic: Frederic fucking Chopin

What do you think, darling? Should I hate him? . . . . Yes, but there's just something about him. Something around the eyes, I don't know, reminds me of... me. No. I'm sure of it, I hate him.

Sometimes, it's just nice to be recognized. I think that's why guns are so popular. Buss a cap in yo ass, and all that happy horse shit. I prefer a bow and arrow. Ever since I read "Robin Hood" as a kid I've wanted one. Tonight I was in the mall and I saw a guy wearing a bow hunter t-shirt. I approached him and started talking about archery. It was about 5 minutes in before he started to take me seriously(his wife was in the Victoria's Secret and he had nowhere to go. He wouldn't go in). Then he really started talking and told me about this convention the weekend after Mother's Day and all this other stuff that you only know if you're an archer(or you meet a guy in the mall who's one).

Ever listen to the "Godspeed You Black Emperor"? You would like it.

You're a daisy if you do . . .

Thursday, February 1, 2007

Second Bimonthly Update

Topic: Resolutions

• finish all previously started projects.
I'm not doing too well with this one. I'll just leave it at that.

• finish one project before starting another
see above

• heavily promote myself and the art.
I'm not doing too bad so far. mostly networking type stuff. I've had a few link to my site (http://www.fogelsville4.com/) hits have increased a bit.

• finish 2 paintings a month.
again, see above.

• improve diet.
Weekends have been tough, I have cut down on alcohol and I've been a lot more creative in my meal selections

• exercise 5 times a week
I'm on this one, sometimes 6 a week. i've been doing yoga 3 times a week too. all the pseudo-spiritual shit kind of gets on my nerves and they kill me with the new age music, but over all it's like rockstar ninja training.

• drop 30 lbs. to get from 200 to 170
current weight is 194/5

• start a career already
i think i may be getting an interview with a design firm. i went through a recruiter and she said "this looks great! this portfolio was one of the best i've seen." of course she just might say that to all the boys.
I also traded one mindless job with no responsibility for another mindless job with no responsibility.

• pay down debt

• assess retirement
i cashed in some bonds and turned them over to my investor. I'm keeping a few hundred to buy stock in Marvel Comics.

• more Sabbath . . . .and LOUDER!
i'm going to stop answering this one. it should be obvious by now. I really don't know why I put it on the list in the first place. it's like saying,"this year I resolve to continue breathing." I can't get it any LOUDER though, until I get a new sound system.

• Return to Dagobah and complete my Jedi training with Master Yoda.
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try.

Today is the Feastday of St. Brigid. She's a patron Saint of Ireland who, in the 5th century, founded 2 monastaries and a school of art. She died on Feb, 1st and is buried in Downpatrick near St. Patrick's grave.